When I was in high school, I would write poetry to express my feelings. It was the easiest form to use back then and the only thing that seemed to pour out of me. (That…and my Creative Writing teacher taught poetry and he was really cute! I’m sure I learned something, right?) I filled at least three books that I can remember, which I still have buried in the garage. Mostly they were poems about love, death, life, my faith, and a few more about love. As I go back now and read them, I can easily tell when I had just broken off a relationship with a boyfriend. One minute I’m writing about how wonderful he is and how much he turns my whole world upside-down, then within the next few pages, I am reading about his early demise in life, or how much I hope he suffers without me. They crack me up!
Several years ago, I was visiting my parents for the weekend and remember being internally conflicted about something. So much, that I woke up around 1am and wrote down my feelings in a 4-page essay entitled ‘Remote Control Life‘. The words spilled out of me at a rate which I could barely keep up. I’m not sure what the conflict was exactly, although I have a few guesses, but it was more about how I felt once I had finished writing. FREE!
It was the most incredible feeling, unlocking all my pent-up emotions and throwing them on paper to remove them from my head. It worked, and two hours later, I lay my head down and was sound asleep within minutes. No longer did I stew about things, no more did I worry and wonder, the stomach ache had passed as well. I didn’t realize it then, but I think that was my first sign of the writing potential inside of me. A potential that would take another ten years before I could truly see it for myself and take hold of it. Now, to imagine my life without writing is almost impossible. It’s who I am and who I want to become…a writer. Right now, I’m writing fiction romance and throwing my thoughts in this blog. Tomorrow? Who knows! If I can stay focused long enough to finish my second novel, hopefully the bigger picture of my future will begin to unfold.
I do remember a little about that ‘Remote Control Life’ paper. I kept it for many years and would go back and read it from time to time. It was about wondering what life would be like if we could use a remote control, like rewinding to a point in our past to get a ‘do-over’, make better or different decisions. Pushing fast-forward to rush through those parts of life that we have to live, but just want to get it over with as quick as possible. Pressing pause to slow down and enjoy our favorite moments a little bit longer. And then there’s the stop button. This one would have a large piece of tape over it with the words “DON’T PUSH” written on it. 🙂 I’m in no rush to press that one, and hopefully God isn’t quite ready to push it either, although I’m sure I’ve given him cause many times over. I enjoyed writing that paper, and it has stuck with me all these years.
It sounds like it would be great, to have that remote in hand and control the outcome of things, but I would probably make things worse and mess up that whole ‘space-time-continuum’ thing. Besides, for every bad decision I’ve made, I hope I’ve made at least 100 good ones. Good, bad or otherwise, all those moments have shaped me into the person I am today and I’ve finally figured out that I really like her! From this point forward, I’ll continue to trust God with writing the rest of my story. As it turns out…he’s a pretty good writer too!
Write on my fellow writers…there is FREEDOM in those words!